How to compassionately navigate anticipatory grief
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
What happens when our grief begins before the death and the goodbye itself? When we're already grieving someone who is, at this moment in time, still very much alive. Grief is still so misunderstood in our society, and anticipatory grief is particularly unknown and unsupported. I am currently on a journey with my own anticipatory grief, in my Nan’s (grandmother) final chapter.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is when the feelings of loss begin before the actual goodbye. It’s grieving someone who is still alive, but whose death you know is coming.
As with all of grief, this can bring a whole rainbow of the feels. Sadness, fear, love, anxiety, even beautiful and meaningful moments of joy. You might feel grief at milestones of letting go, like in my journey with my Nan as she has over time lost her speech, movement and ability to open her eyes. Yearning for what once was.
You might also grieve the secondary losses - not just the person, but things like the stability, identity and encouragement that they brought into your life. My grandparents believed in me more than anyone else did. So part of my anticipatory grief has been grieving this secondary loss.
Where does it show up?
We often think anticipatory grief only happens when someone we love is nearing the end of their life, but it’s much broader than that. It can surface:
A long time before death, for example as we watch our parents, other family members or beloved pets aging.
When someone you love is living with a progressive illness, and each change feels like another goodbye.
When you know that a relationship is ending.
When you’re facing a career ending or other major life transition.
Anticipatory grief is rarely talked about, and that lack of awareness makes it even harder for us. People might unhelpfully say, “At least you still have time with them,” but that can make you feel like you’re not allowed to grieve yet. Here’s the truth: you are allowed to grieve, as and when you feel it. The best thing that you can do is to honour it when it arises.
Remember that gratitude, joy and grief can all co-exist. Many things can be true at once. You can be deeply grateful for every remaining moment, feeling deep joy and love, and feel heartbroken that the end is coming. When we are present with our grief, we also can turn up the volume on them all - feeling deeper joy and love.
3 Ways to Hold Anticipatory Grief
1. Name It
Grief needs acknowledgment. Simply saying, “I’m grieving” can bring relief. Write about it in a journal, record a voice note to yourself, talk to someone, give those feelings space to breathe and be spoken. If naming it feels hard, be gentle with yourself. Reach out for support, whether that’s friends, family, or a trained therapist, counselor or grief coach who can hold that space with you.
2. Let Go of Perfection
Anticipatory grief is ungrounding. Particularly because there is no clear endpoint, and that uncertainty can lead to us to pile the pressure on ourselves. The pressure to “make every moment count,” to show up “perfectly” for your loved one, to somehow get this right. Here’s the reminder you might need: we are all perfectly imperfect. So there is no “perfect” way to grieve. Some days you’ll feel present and connected. Other days you’ll need to retreat. Both are okay. Your presence, in whatever imperfect form it takes, is enough.
3. Let Yourself Say Goodbye
Facing into the reality of loss can be painful, but it’s also profoundly healing. Saying goodbye doesn’t have to be in one big moment. It can be a quiet practice of showing up each time you visit, speaking from your heart, holding a hand, offering hugs, and expressing everything that you want them to know, as if each moment might be the last. Because one day, it will be - and that’s what makes being present with anticipatory grief so meaningful.
Being present with death, and the impermanence of everything teaches us there is no time like the present to make these moments matter. With gentle invitations to be present in the difficult and painful, I have personally learnt so much and created many precious memories with my grandparents in their final chapter.
It can feel like we’re alone in our grief journeys. But you are not alone. Join me and other end of life & grief experts and journeyers on my podcast, Death on the Daily. Where we talk about all of the ways that death and grief show up for us on the daily - exploring what they can teach us about living life well.
To dive in more to anticipatory grief, here’s a couple of episodes to get you started:
My solo reflections and practical tips on anticipatory grief. Watch on YouTube.
My conversation with therapist Rio Richards, about the anticipatory grief that she experienced whilst caring for her dying father. Watch on YouTube.
Wherever you are in your grief journey, I am here to support you. If you want to journey with me as your coach, check out my grief coaching programme for support as you walk your forwards path with grief.